Culinary Capers
by Willowwind Adurois
Summary: Ryou's trying to teach Seto to cook... Bakura's as annoying as ever, and armed with a new partner... Be afraid. Crossover fic of Waffles4eva's 'Wherever You Go' and Willowwind's 'The Secret Journal of Bakura the Great'.
1. Chapter 1

**Willowwind: **(bounces in) Hello!

**Waffles: **HI EVERYONE!

**Legolas: **Oh great, there's another one….

**Willowwind: **Better. She's _British._

**Legolas: **Gah!

**Waffles: **Hey! _Tolkien_ was British! He lived in my _city_!

**Legolas: **Yes, and look what _his _imagination was like!

**Waffles: **Ssh! She's going to introduce me…

**Willowwind: **…Why don't you introduce yourself?

**Waffles: **Because my fic only has three readers, and therefore anyone actually _reading_ this will probably be a fan of _you_?

**Willowwind: **We shall see. This is my good British friend, **Waffles4eva**.

**Waffles**: Even though we've never met. There's an ocean in the way. (pouts)

**Willowwind: **Stupid ocean…. Annnnnyway, in one chapter of her fic **Wherever You Go, **it mentions Seto can't cook. And, given Ryou's fetish with cooking implements of DOOM…

**Waffles: **We thought we should do a Crossover! When Seto gets cooking lessons! Then I could use **Willowwind's **popularity for shameless self promotion! Wheee!

**Willowwind: **(small voice) I'm not THAT popular….

**Legolas: **Wait. Her stuff is _BETTER _then yours? Man, how much do you _suck_!

**Waffles: **… (cries)He's Right! He's Right! I DO suck!

**Willowwind: **(slap) Legolas, you moron! She doesn't know that you insult stuff if you like it! She has self-esteem issues about her stuff! You just made it worse!

**Elrond: **Great! Now she won't write for days!

**Willowwind: **…Where'd you come from?

**Waffles: **What! If you can have a random elf running around, so can I!

**Willowwind: **But still… 'Elrond'…? He's the second ugliest elf in the thing! (first prize goes to Haldir, in case anyone was wondering…)

**Waffles: **You're right. I prefer him as Smith…

**Elrond: **(becomes Smith)

**Smith: **(uses Legolas to clone himself)

**Waffles: **Coool…

**Willowwind: **… Maybe we should get on with the chapter before anyone else shows up… Disclaimer?

**Waffles**:Is playing Ro-Sham-Bo with Smiths: Ah. Disclaimer. Do you want to do it, or shall I let you do it?

**Willowwind: **We shall solve this problem how I always solve it. (turns Legolas back into himself) Legolas! Do the disclaimer.

**Legolas: **Where'd my glasses go?

**Willowwind: **(points at Smith) He has them.

**Smith: **(Tries on glasses) My goodness! You're blind, elf-boy! Who do you think you are, the Oracle?

**Legolas: **(takes out bow and arrow)

**Willowwind: **Not until you do the disclaimer. And the warnings.

**Legolas: **Fine. NOBODY OWNS ANYTHING! 'Cept for **Waffles,** and she owns Anna Mitsan otherwise known as Azreal Kiyoko (Long story), who is her OC character. And there is GROSS RANDOMNESS and COOKING IMPLIMENTS OF DOOM! Be afraid. Be very afraid. There. Can I shoot him now?

Prologue: 

Poke.

"…'lone…"

Poke poke.

"…G'way…"

Poke. "You have to come out sometime…"

She raised her head from beneath the blanket. "You're supposed to be cheering me up!" Anna accused.

"I can't do anything if you won't come out from under the duvet." Téa pointed out, logically. Anna suddenly leapt out of bed. "That's the spirit!"

Anna ran past her, and into the hall. A moment later, retching sounds came from the bathroom.

Oh dear….

Seto Kaiba can do a lot of things.

Cooking is not one of them.

She reappeared a moment later, looking thoroughly fed up. Sighing and wiping her mouth-although she'd already washed it several times, Anna burrowed back under the covers, crawling upwards from the bottom and giving up before she reached the top.

"It really _did _make you ill, didn't it?" Téa said sympathetically. When Anna had not turned up at school that day, Téa had gone to visit. And, so far, she wasn't helping.

"I only ate it because he worked so hard on it…" Anna moaned, her voice muffled from somewhere within the bed.

Téa smirked. "Oh, how we suffer for l-"

Suddenly, Anna's hand shot out and punched her weakly.

"If one more person says that…" She said, finding it hard to sound even vaguely threatening when she was as sick as a dog.

"Huh. It's a pity he's not as good at cooking as Ryou is…" Téa teased. "Imagine if Ryou taught him… no more mysterious, unnameable meals… no more indelibleness…"

"Do you think he would!" Anna practically yelled, erupting from the bed.

"Huh?" Téa blinked, taken aback.

"Ryou! Teach Seto how to cook! Do you think he would!" Téa could see the desperation in her face and voice, hanging in her words and glinting in her eyes. Kaiba's cooking must be really dire…

"Uh…" She stammered. "Maybe…"

"Great!" Anna stood up, clenching her hand into a fist. "Then you convince Ryou and I'll convince Seto! Right now! Yeah!"

She began to leave the room.

"Uh... Anna?" Téa called. "You might want to get out of your pyjamas first…"

Anna looked down in apparent surprise at her flannel attire. "Oh." She said sheepishly. "Right."

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

It was relatively easy to convince Seto. You just didn't give him a choice.

"I don't need cooking lessons." He said, surprised.

Azreal raised an eyebrow. "Mokuba?"

"Yes!" Mokuba said, desperately. "Yes! Do it! Learn how to cook! In the name of all that is good, _please!_!"

Poor kid. He'd grown up on Seto's 'food'. He was on the brink of insanity. On the plus side, he was immune to almost every known disease by now.

"See!" Azreal cried. "_Mokuba _agrees!"

"Mokuba is eleven." Seto replied, stubbornly.

It was hard work, sometimes, dating this guy…

"Well, I think you should go." Azreal told him, looking at him. "Please? It'd make me really happy…"

"Please?" Mokuba echoed. "_Please, _Seto?"

Seto glared. Two sets of puppy eyes.

So not fair….

"Fine." He said, hating himself.

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

"…I beg your pardon?"

"Ryou, please. She's…suffering…."

"…I'd love to help, but…well…hold on." Ryou dashed up the stairs, spatula in hand. "BAKURA! GET AWAY FROM THE MATCHES!" A smacking sound followed, and Ryou came back down, dragging his yami behind him. Bakura was scribbling frantically in a little book. "You see? He needs to be checked on once about every two minutes."

"Can't you find him a babysitter or something? Anna and Mokuba need you to teach Seto to cook!"

"…Alright. On one condition."

"What's that?"

Ryou smirked evilly. "That YOU watch my yami while I'm gone."

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

**Waffles: **…Dude, you know, I have NEVER written a chapter this short… 3 pages… double spaced… (Twitches) So…short…long…author notes… so _short_….(Twitch Twitch)

**Willowwind: **…Maybe if we make the writing nice and big, they won't notice. (shifty eyes)

**Legolas: **You two are both idiots.

**Smith: **There's only one font size, eejits.

**Willowwind and Waffles: **SHHHHH!

**Legolas: **You know, Smith, I'm beginning to like you.

**Smith: **(Clones himself into Legolas again) (Smirk) I like me to.

**Waffles: **Smith! (Smack round head) You are becoming a nuisance! Behave! Now, change him back.

**Smith: **No.

**Waffles: **(Twitches) Yes… Excuse me **Willowwind. **Smith, over here… _All _the way over here…

(Crashing sounds)

**Smith: **Hmmph. (Changes Legolas back to normal)

**Willowwind: **Anyhoo…yes, it is short, BUT YOU TRY WRITING A CROSSOVER FIC WITH SOMEONE WHO'S PRACTICALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH! (steam comes out ears)

**Legolas: **(hands **Willowwind** her Ritalin)

**Willowwind: **(chucks it away) BEGONE CONFOUNDED HYPER-KILLER! YOU SHALL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha. Heh. Anyhoo, **Waffles**, let's go eat the leftover review cookies!

**Waffles: **They're left over 'cause no-one's reviewed yet. (Smile)

**Willowwind: **Review, I command thee! Or you shall never know what happens!


	2. Chapter 2

**Waffles:** Whee, a proper chapter! And, I, Waffles, have control of the keyboard! MWHAHAHAHAHA! AND NOTHING WILLOWWIND DOES CAN STOP ME 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE! SHE'S IN SCHOOL! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL DESTROY THE WORLD! Or maybe not. Not till we invade Mars, at least. I may have to stop at the Paperclip, for now.

_Written much later: _

**Willowwind: **Yes. I am back from school. And she's in bed. Which means _I_ get to do the review responses! (blows raspberry) I've always thought it odd that raspberry has a 'p' in it, when there is clearly no 'p' when you say it. Try. It sounds like RAZBERRY. Which looks much more interesting than RASPBERRY, if I do say so myself. But now I'm going to get on topic again.

Review Responses:

**Waffles4eva: **…Do I know you?

**Browneyedalbino: **Muahaha. You shall have to read the whole fic to find out some things…but here is the newest chapter. Oh, and we cut down the disclaimer this time. So much, it isn't there right now. I should add one…. Ah, no. Silly me. Thar it is.

**Scooby2408: **I believe you're **Waffles'** friend, right? Yes, yes. Thank you for reading. She was very happy. And this one ocean between us is nothing. For a while, I was writing something with someone in Pakistan. But then they came back to Canada. Which was much better. And I shall stop burbling now before you think I'm as bad as her. Meaning **Waffles**.

**Nachzes Black-Rider: **Ignoring you? Well, you did say to ignore that bit after…and I stole it from NOBODY. My parents threatened to put me on Ritalin once when I was hyper, so I started yelling about how I would never take the 'confounded hyper-killer'. I yoinked it not. Maybe we just think alike….

And thar be the reviews! Four! I think that's what I started with on TSJOBTG….

_Written much earlier: _

**Willowwind: **_(Runs in, panting)_I'm here, I'm here!

**Waffles: **G'hey! How'd you get out of school!

**Willowwind: **Oh, I'm not _**Willowwind**._

**Waffles: **…?

**Willowwind: **No, I'm just your _perception _of **Willowwind**. As you said, she's not here. I'm just a figment of your imagination. Which is why I don't sound remotely like her.

**Waffles**: …Okay, let's just pretend this makes some sort of sense…. So, do we have a My-Perception-Of-**Willowwind's**-Perception-of-Legolas to do the disclaimer?

**Willowwind: **'Fraid not.

**Waffles: **_(Sigh) _Fine…. Maybe the _real _Willowwind will be back in time for the end. In the meantime, Smith can do it.

**Smith: **The day these two own anything that even _sounds vaguely _copyrighted, is the day that **Willowwind **stops signing reviews and E-mails.

**Willowwind: **As in…never.

**Waffles: **But I do that too!

**Smith: **I'm aware of that.

_**Culinary Capers**_

**Chapter One: Milkshake Mayhem**

"Bakura?"

"Yes?"

"I'm going out for a while. Téa's in charge. If I get back and hear any horror stories…." Ryou lifted a bottle full of liquid dishsoap warningly.

Bakura attempted to make puppy eyes. The result was…not what was intended. "Would _I_ do anything to her?"

"You know you mumble in your sleep sometimes?"

"Do I?"

"Yes. And I better not come home to find that those plans to drown her you were discussing in your sleep have been carried out. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'm going now."

"Ryou?"

"Yes?"

"Out of curiosity, where are you going?"

The hikari smiled wryly. "To try to teach Seto Kaiba to cook."

Bakura fell off the bed. "Why?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out." And with that, he was gone.

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

When the door opened, Ryou was greeted by a hostile glare on the part of his soon-to-be student.

"You're late." Seto snarled.

"I wasn't prepared for a three hundred foot long driveway, I'm sorry." Ryou replied, already struggling to be polite. "Don't worry, next time I'll bring my bike. Or car, even."

"It might help." He sniffed, standing aside to let Ryou in.

Ryou didn't bother to react. He lived with _Bakura_. It was going to take a lot more then slight rudeness to get to him. Besides, it was possible that Kaiba was just nervous.

Yeah, right.

But it didn't matter. Kaiba was smart, plus he wouldn't want Ryou in his house any longer then necessary, so he would hopefully learn fast. Pity, really, because it would be a nice break from Bakura. Honestly, after his Yami, he could handle _anything _this guy threw at him. A walk in the park.

Kaiba showed him to the kitchen, and leant on the doorframe as he watched Ryou investigate the cupboards and gleaming counters.

"What _are _you doing?" He asked, as Ryou began to poke around in the fridge.

"Seeing what we have to work with." He replied easily. "Eww. Well, this can go straight away…. I'm not sure _what_ it isbut it's definitely out of date…." He tossed the mysterious item into the bin.

Ryou couldn't see it, with his head in the fridge, but the look on Seto's face suggested he was dangerously close to having his head shut in the door.

"Okay…." He said, pulling out some milk and ice cream, shutting the fridge with his foot. He wasn't going to be popular with Seto if he continued like this, that was for sure. "Let's start easy with milkshakes. Ever made one before?"

Seto shook his head wordlessly, walking over to stand beside him.

"Oh, it's simple. My _bunny _could do it." Ryou told him confidently.

And so, they began.

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

**A/N: **Okay, this would be the part where I have to attempt Bakura's situation TSJOBTG style, isn't it? Oiy, this could be disastrous…. But, as George Bush once said "The ambitious should know that you are more likely to succeed with success then with failure." So, **Willowwind**, and all you, like me, who love **TSJOBTG**, forgive this sacrilege."

Meanwhile… 

_Heh. I always said that rabbit was a good idea. She's distracted by 'the cute ickle bunny'. _Â _He's going to think I'm a traitor, but he should understand that it's for the sake of the World! Or, the sake of me, anyway. But I will rule the World someday! I will! So there!_

_I always thought I'd have to wait till I was in charge before I killed anyone, but I think Téa is the exception. I mean, who would miss _her! _They couldn't blame me. Not even my baka hikari, even if he did tell me not to kill her. They wouldn't put me in prison. _

_Would they? _

_NO, I'M NOT AFRAID! I FEAR NOTHING! BUT ONE DAY, WHEN I RULE THE WORLD, YOU WILL ALL FEAR ME! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU! YOU WILL LIVE ONLY TO ENTERTAIN ME AND…._

…

…

_Heh. At last. I CAN SAY WHAT I LIKE! _SHE'S _NOT HERE TO STOP ME! NO FOURTH WALL CAN HOLD ME, BECAUSE- _

(A/N: AHHH! FOURTH WALL! I forgot! BAKURA! How could you! When it was going so well…. **Willowwind's **going to kill me! Or you! And don't think just because you can't die she won't _try_!)

FOUR _WALLS! I meant FOUR WALLS! No, I'm not scared-_

_Oh, don't start that again. Stupid inanimate book. No! Don't try that! I'm not going to speak to you anymore! See how you get on without me! _

_Fine, be that way. I'm not speaking to you anymore._

_No, starting now!_

Bakura slammed the book shut angrily. He didn't know why he'd started writing in the stupid thing in the first place….

Out in the hallway, Téa heard the slight noise, and pulled open the cupboard door. Bakura- and a mop- tumbled out.

"What were you doing in there?" She asked quizzically. "And what are you doing with that mop?"

"Um…cleaning." Bakura lied.

"In the _cupboard_? With a _mop_?"

"Yes." Bakura replied. "…It was dirty."

"I see." Téa said slowly, clearly not seeing at all. "Well, I wish you'd said! I've been looking for you everywhere! Now, come on!" She began to walk away. Bakura was about to implement his original plan and beat her to death with the mop, but, as he raised the mop in preparation, she turned again.

"Now what are you doing?" She demanded.

"Mopping the…uh…ceiling."

She giggled. "You sure are weird, Bakura…." She smiled. "But you're harmless really, aren't you?"

_Harmless! _Bakura blinked in surprise, completely forgetting his 'mopping the ceiling' charade. She grabbed his arm with one hand, Bakura-Bunny under the other arm. The bunny in question was laughing hysterically at him. Bakura glared at his namesake.

"Come on!" Téa continued cheerily. This girl just _talked _sugar. "You must be bored, without Ryou here! But I have the _best _idea- we're going to go visit Yugi and Yami!" She began to drag him towards the front door. "Alright, I know you guys didn't get off on the right foot, but I just _know _that if you got to know each other properly you could be great friends! They just don't understand you!"

'They just don't understand you'!Bakura screamed mentally. Just _what _was this friendship-junkie _smoking, _and why wasn't it illegal!

He had to escape, that was clear.

And what better place to escape then outside?

"Okay, Téa." Bakura said, trying to sound pathetic. "But what if he's mean to me?"

"He won't! He's a nice guy, really! Come on!" And with even more eagerness, she dragged him outside. It was not a mistake you'd made twice.

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

"…."

"…What?"

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?" Seto surveyed the massacred kitchen calmly.

"What do you mean, what? _Look around you_! Milkshake! Everywhere! I thought you'd at least be able to manage making a simple vanilla milkshake!"

"And you're saying I didn't manage it."

"Yes. The only thing you have managed is to defyEVERY last thing I've EVER learned in Science class."

"Such as?"

"Kaiba. The milkshake. It _BLEW UP_. _How_ did you manage to blow up a _milkshake_?"

Seto glanced around himself once more, not showing any hint of emotion.

"Well?"

"…Talent."

o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o+o

**Willowwind: **Mweeheehee…. Now I have the keyboard, as **Waffles** is in bed. Or she better be. _I_ should be in bed. But _nooo…I_ had to go look for _quotes_ on the _internet_. And then I couldn't find any. So I gave up. And decided it was high time I wrote something.

**Willowwind's-interpretation-of-Waffles: **Hi!

**Willowwind: **…I'm quite sure you don't look like **Waffles.** So apologies to the real one.

**WIOW: **Isn't it strange how we could use the acronym for both my name and **Waffles'** interpretation of you?

**Willowwind: **Yes, that is strange…. (muses)

**WIOW: **Anyhoo, there's another horribly short chapter done.

**Willowwind: **It's also very strange how I get this irresistible urge to write at about 10:30 pm…. Which was about when I started my bit, just fer the record books. But now it is late, and it is time for bed.

**WIOW: **N'night!

**Willowwind: **Yes, yes…. (wanders off to bed)

**WIOW: **So…REVIEW! Or we shall never come back! Muahahaha! (goes poof)

**Willowwind: **(voice heard from far away) She went poof…how strange….

_(The Next Morning)_

**Waffles: **Heh…. NONE OF YOU CAN BLAME ME FOR THE SLOW UPDATE! BLAME **WILLOWWIND'S **ENGLISH TEACHER IF YOU HAVE TO BLAME ANYONE! ... _(calms down) _That is, well, about the apology you're going to get for it taking so long to update. Me, I wrote this before I even went back to school, and now _I _have a ton of homework to, and I can't write **WyG** and my music coursework is impossible…. _(Incoherent mumbling) _…Blues… rock…_IT'S A RECORDER! _Ahem. I have to go shopping now. But please review, or **Willowwind **will poke you with a stick! Mwheeeheee! _(Poofs off in vague direction of the shopping centre)_


End file.
